satanassa (satanassa) wrote,
satanassa
satanassa

Fic: Rest and Recreation

Title: Rest and Recreation

Word Count: 1041

Characters: Torchwood team, a Star Wars character

Disclaimer: This is written purely for the enjoyment of Torchwood fans. No money is being made.

Theme: Crack, humour

Warning: Strong mocking of certain BBC writers

Summary: At the end of the audio novel 'In the Shadows' Jack gives Gwen a holiday-for-two to Paris so that she and Rhys can enjoy themselves. But what about the other team members?

Author's Notes: The last bit in 'In the Shadows' annoyed me, so I re-wrote it slightly.



 


Gwen left the table and ran off home to pack for her holiday, quite pleased and smug that she had been singled out for Jack's favour. Of course he would favour her over the others -- she was the only normal member of the team, with a proper fiance and everything; besides, she brought warmth and humanity to the team with her caring attitude!


Back at the pub, Owen grumbled, "I don't know why she gets special treatment like this. Are we so undeserving?"


"Relax Owen. Jack told me to do the bookings, so I chose the worst-rated hotel on Tripadvisor.com, in the shabbiest part of the city. Gwen will have an unforgettable holiday, alright!" Ianto whispered to Owen.


"Ooh, evil! We better have Retcon ready for her when she comes back!"


Tosh and Jack came back to the table with a new round of drinks. Jack cleared his throat.


"I, er, ahem! Sorry for making you think that I didn't have any treats for you. I just wanted Gwen out of the way first."


He pulled out an envelope from his pocket.


"Toshiko my dear, this is a little present from me to recognise all the work you put in for Torchwood. It is a first-class ticket to New York, to attend UNIT's alien tech Expo. You also have five-star hotel accommodation and an all-access VIP pass."


Toshiko, overwhelmed with joy, could do nothing other than hug Jack and smile delightedly. Ianto winked at her in solidarity. He had spared no expense in these bookings.


Jack continued, "and my dear Owen, to cure you of your habit of playing video games at work, I am sending you to the 'World Gaming Conference' at London. You too have five-star hotel accommodation and a Platinum pass."


Owen squealed and then tried to mask it by whistling. "Bloody hell! Ianto, you better have picked a good hotel for me!"


"Don't worry Owen. It was the highest rated hotel I could find." Ianto smiled.


"The Gaming Conference! I always wanted to go there. Hang on! Jack, don't you have a treat for Ianto?"


"Well ---," Jack smiled suggestively and looked at Ianto, who looked mock-disapproving.


"Wait! I really don't want to know what 'treats' you have in store for Ianto. I'd like to enjoy my drink, for one thing." Owen said hastily.


"Who will monitor the Rift?" Tosh asked, still smiling.


"Well, Ianto and I are going to have a nice few days of R&R at the St David's Spa, so we'll remain in town."


"Let's hope the Rift behaves itself." Ianto muttered.


* * *


Later that evening Ianto fumbled with the keys to the hotel room as Jack nuzzled his neck. They had had a lovely dinner at the Spa restaurant with many glasses of wine and now they were ready to take their R&R to the bedroom.


A few minutes later they were sitting on the bed, kissing gently whilst Jack unbuttoned Ianto's shirt. Ianto seemed to sink lower and lower into Jack's arms until he lay down on the bed. Jack chuckled and tried to roll on top of him when he noticed that Ianto was fast asleep.


"I knew that last bottle of wine was a mistake." Jack sighed. He got up, dimmed the lights and shifted Ianto into a more comfortable position on the bed. Then he undressed and got into bed himself. He couldn't sleep so he watched TV with the sound turned off. Now and then he would look at Ianto's peaceful face and wonder what he was dreaming of.


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Ianto looked around the place. He didn't remember how he got here, but it looked a lot like the cantina in the first Star Wars film. There were weird alien creatures moving about and he could swear that he saw someone who looked like Princess Leia. He rubbed his eyes and looked around again.


There was Jack, sitting at the bar! He looked so sad and forelorn, hunched over a drink. Ianto's heart panged. He wanted to go up to Jack and comfort him, make him smile. Ianto tried to move, but seemed to be rooted to the spot. He could see a little baby Adipose toddle about on the bar counter, around Jack's glass. Jack did not seem to care. Then, the bartender, who was a very handsome bloke, handed a bit of paper to Jack. Ianto felt himself hover in the air over all the other creatures so that he could read the writing on the paper.


His name is Jar-Jar


Ianto saw Jack raise his head sharply from reading the note and look into the distance beyond the bartender. Then Jack smiled briefly and turned to the creature sitting on the next bar stool.





"Hello Jar-Jar."

Ianto winced as he heard the familiar flirtatious tone in Jack's voice.


"How you-sa know me-sa name?" Jar-Jar Binks replied, his eye-stalks quivering.


"I'm kind of psychic." Jack purred.


"You-sa know what me-sa thinking right now?" Jar-Jar moved closer and waggled his ears suggestively.


"Oh yes!" Jack leered back.


Ianto's mouth fell open in a scream of pure horror.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"NOOOOOO!"


The scream was just in time to stop Jack from ordering an inflatable polka-dotted sheep on the TeleShopping Network.


"Ianto, what's wrong? You nearly gave me a heart attack!"


Ianto rose, pale and sweating, and reached for the water bottle on the bedside table. "What a dream! I don't think I've had such a horrible nightmare since I watched Roach T Dickhead's 'Cauldron of Excrement'."


 "I told you not to watch it. Not only did you not listen to me, you also went and watched his Doctor Boo episode 'Rear-end of Time'. When will you learn?" Jack scolded.


"Yeah, I know. I really shouldn't have watched that." Ianto was still shaking. He stretched his arms towards Jack, who immediately grabbed him in a hug. They stayed silent for a few seconds, just wrapped in each other's arms.


"Feeling better?" Jack murmurred in Ianto's ear.


"A little. You know what would make me feel a whole lot better?" Ianto whispered and pinned Jack down against the mattress, his eyes gleaming.


Jack growled in pleasure. Maybe that last bottle of wine hadn't been a mistake after all.


Tags: crack, fic, torchwood
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